I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
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Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I can’t deal with men any longer
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?