Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
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Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!