Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
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For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
me linking you to my twitter
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Sniffing the broccoli
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam