Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
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*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Me driving through Toronto
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL