[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
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You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.