More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
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Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]