Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
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*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit