[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
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Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭