*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
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Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
i can’t wait that long
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.