box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
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i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL