[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
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you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.