Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
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Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’