Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
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My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
This meal prepping shit easy
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store