Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
You Might Also Like
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect