When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
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Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Breaking news:
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
The USS B port
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning