As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
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There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.