Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
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Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?