If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
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Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
pls suprot
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over