[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
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Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
I camp so other people don’t have to.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Life is a suicide mission.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
My safe word is Worcestershire
Smooooooth
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.