The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
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“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*