“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
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If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Sing it!
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube