the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
You Might Also Like
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
So inspired right now.