Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
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“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.