BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
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THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Friends that check up on you >
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.