*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Chemical wingman
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.