my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
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Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”