Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
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[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps