Omg like wtf
-me, praying
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Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Snapes on a plane.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Goodnight 🐶
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
What is going on? 😅
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”