Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
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Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Van Gone
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.