I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.