I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
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My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.