Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
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I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?