Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.