How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
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Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face