[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
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Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
<—- homeless romantic
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures