Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
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ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭