If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
You Might Also Like
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?