[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
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Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day