Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
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going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though