Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
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#parenting
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
i’m laughing very hard in real life
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Love this guy
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very