You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
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WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I have many caverns
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.