Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
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[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
*skinny dips into black hole
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?