Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
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Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body