Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
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ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers