Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
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Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Whoa 😂
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above