How many vultures circling you is good luck?
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Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Tammy is short for Tamuel
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.