Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
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Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.