I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
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wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My what?
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.