My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
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“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
vegan witches, happy halloween!
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
AM I BEING GASLIT????
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Spell check is for lasers.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.