Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
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Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
what?
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I bet birds love this building.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander